Days such as R U OK? Day provide an important reminder of the value of reaching out and being deliberate in how we engage with others. A mindful approach encourages us to think beyond simply asking the question, and to consider how we prepare, listen and respond.
The practice of mindfulness has a range of recognised benefits, including improved concentration and mental clarity, reduced anxiety and depression, and better sleep. What is less often discussed is its ability to reinforce other positive practices, such as developing more positive self-talk, treating ourselves with kindness, and extending that same compassion to others.
When we tune into personal practice that is underpinned by kindness, patience with ourselves, and increased self-awareness, it allows us to create a space that allows us to connect with others in a more meaningful, deliberate way. While we don’t want to encourage you to overthink how you ask this important question, it is worth taking a moment to consider the elements that can play a pivotal role when reaching out to someone.
Setting the foundations for effective engagement
In society, it is very common to ask, “Hey, how are you?” Often, this is done without much thought and is followed by the default response: “Hey, I’m good. How are you?” In these scenarios, we then find ourselves unprepared when someone doesn’t respond with the expected answer.
What is less common is taking the time to reflect on how we engage with others, and intentionally create the conditions for a more meaningful conversation.
The following practices are mindful at their core and can help prepare you to ask someone, “R U OK?” They can also promote more meaningful conversations in our everyday interactions, whether with a colleague, a friend or even someone we have just met.
Practice active listening
Practicing active listening in our everyday interactions involves offering our undivided attention to the person we are speaking with. It also involves becoming aware of our own default responses and any predispositions we may have when reacting to someone’s tone, manner or choice of words.
Active listening can promote trust and safety, while also building empathy. It can also reduce misunderstandings and contribute to stronger personal and professional relationships.
Things to watch out for:
- Avoid interrupting. While interrupting is common, it can unintentionally signal to the other person that what they have to say is less important than what we have to say.
- Ask open-ended questions. Asking questions that encourage someone to elaborate can help us understand their experience rather than making assumptions about what they are thinking or feeling.
- Don’t rush the process. When we place pressure on someone to respond within a certain timeframe, we can unintentionally communicate that we are looking for a particular answer. This can make it more difficult for someone to feel comfortable sharing what is actually going on for them.
Be honest with yourself – do you have the mental, emotional and physical capacity to engage?
As humans, we are innately keen to help and reach out to others in need. However when we don’t have the physical time or space, or if we are emotionally exhausted from multiple demands, or mentally one more task could burn us out, then acknowledging our limits and prioritising ourselves is important.
If you don’t have capacity, but you want to be there for someone else in need, be transparent about your current capacity and direct accordingly. For example, perhaps a family or friend who is also connected to this person could step in.
If you do have the capacity, creating the space ahead of time is important. We live in a fast paced society, where we fill every empty space with a task or activity. Whilst this is fine and sometimes unavoidable, when it comes to connecting with others, the more space you can give yourself the better the interaction. Having some breathing room to think and process information is vital and if you can practice this daily, or insert this practice even once a week, your future interactions will benefit greatly.
Practice being non-judgemental
This involves becoming aware of our own biases, assumptions and personal reactions when engaging with others. It also means considering the language and tone we use, particularly when someone shares something that may be different from our own experience or perspective.
Extending compassion and a non-judgemental attitude to both ourselves and others can help build trust and create greater openness within a conversation.
Create a safe space for others
We are naturally more likely to open up when we experience trust, consistency and respect in our interactions with others. Creating a safe space involves approaching conversations with respect, maintaining appropriate confidentiality and being mindful of how our responses may influence someone’s willingness to share. These are important foundations for building healthy connections
Preparation is the key to a successful engagement
Humans by their very nature are unpredictable even when we feel we know the person well. It is for this reason, that once you set up a healthy foundation you then give yourself adequate space and time to prepare for this conversation.
The following steps outline a simple approach you can adopt when thinking about how best to ask R U OK?
- Establish if you are the right person to ask the question?
- Do you believe that the person will feel comfortable in confiding in you? If not, who is better positioned?
- Prepare the question
- The following are some examples that are a good starting point if you don’t know what to ask:
- You’ve been on my mind. How are you going?
- How’s life been treating you lately?
- What’s been happening?
- You seem less chatty than usual. How are you going?
- The following are some examples that are a good starting point if you don’t know what to ask:
- Pick the right time and location
- Being aware that this is a confidential conversation, means that picking a location and time that is suitable for both you and the other person is key to setting up the foundations for success.
- Prepare for any answer
- They may not be ready to talk, or they may prefer to talk to someone else. Do not take it personally.
- Finally, create a backup plan
- Establish a referral base, this could be a friend, or family, or it could also be a trained healthcare professional provider
- Be open to pivoting and even proposing that you could talk at a later date that suits them. Sometimes people can be caught off guard with a question that requires them to open up and be vulnerable. Communicate that you wanted to raise this question out of genuine concern but happy to postpone to a time, different location or even involving others if required.
Asking and acting on R U OK?
The time has come, and you are now ready to reach out and ask, “R U OK?”
Depending on your relationship with the person and the context of the conversation, you may or may not choose to provide some context before asking the question. For example, you might begin by saying, “I’ve noticed you seem a little different lately…” before asking how they are going.
Being mindful of your own limitations throughout the conversation is also important. If you begin to feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed or unsure about how to respond, this may be a sign that you have reached your capacity to provide support. Recognising this doesn’t mean you have failed the person; it means recognising when additional support may be appropriate.
Once the conversation has begun, the focus can shift towards understanding what the person needs and exploring what support might be helpful. Active listening can help create the space for this conversation, rather than feeling that you need to immediately find an answer or solution.
Below is one strategy you can follow to guide you from start to end:
1. Start by gaining feedback
- By adopting active listening, you are better positioned to understand the person’s experience and contribute meaningfully to the conversation. Open-ended questions can help you explore what they need, rather than making assumptions about what might be helpful.
- For example:
- “How would you like me to support you?”
- “How have you managed similar situations in the past?”
2. Explore an appropriate course of action
- From here, you might explore what could happen next. This could include agreeing to check in again, involving other people in their support network, or exploring professional support where appropriate.
- The aim is not to enforce a particular course of action, but to offer reassurance and explore options together. Remember, sometimes, giving someone the time and space to talk may be the most meaningful action you can take in that moment.
3. Be prepared for the conversation to end
- As mentioned previously, it is important to recognise that the conversation and your involvement in it may finish today. The person may not want further support from you, may not be ready to take action, or may simply need some time to process what they have shared.
- Try not to take this personally. Creating space for someone to talk does not mean you need to have all the answers or that you are responsible for what happens next.
Putting mindfulness into practice
As part of this year’s R U OK? Day, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself: could I approach this question differently? In doing so, you are not only developing valuable skills, but also creating opportunities for more meaningful conversations and stronger connections with others.
If you would like to explore this further, contact Helen Handsjuk. Helen has been practicing mindfulness for over 40 years and offers Mindfulness in Geelong for individuals and groups. Whether you are just starting out or looking to refine your personal practice, her ability to integrate psychology with mindfulness can provide you with the insights and skills to support your ongoing practice.
